Introspection

Being in what feels like a non-ending state of transition, I find myself alone most of the time. With so much time on my hands and hardly any distractions from interactions with others, I have stumbled upon a space where a lot of introspection can take place. I have come to realise that introspection, although a fantastic tool in self-discovery and growth, most of the time, is thoroughly unpleasant. Unpleasant and uncomfortable. Something I waste a lot of time fighting against. I know it is futile to put up a fight and am starting to consider surrendering, but there is still a little bit of the fighting spirit left in me, so I guess surrendering is only a mind-concept at this point. Something I know I should do, but am not quite ready for.

I have spent most of my life living in a state of “not belonging”. At no point in my life did I quite feel that I completely belonged to the group. There has always been a sense of discomfort, even when I loved the activity and could at some level relate to the group. Maybe my social skills are completely shot. Or just maybe I should make peace with who I am: interested in a million different things, but without the staying power to completely immerse myself in just one or two things. There is a restlessness in my soul that drives my decisions, and as a result I never spend enough time in one place to forge lasting friendships. I have been lucky to always stumble onto the most divine friends, with whom I could spend many happy hours in meaningful conversations, but when I pack up and move on to a different physical space, these friendships tend to dissipate. Maybe it is because we are all so busy with our own lives and struggles that it is simply impossible to stay connected with someone else’s struggles. Maybe friendships only last when we share close proximity in a physical space, because it is then possible to schedule some “friend time”.

We all like to list time as our enemy and it is a favourite excuse for why we do not stay in touch. Different means of communication, now more than ever before, is fast and easy to use. How can we still claim that we don’t have the time?  Maybe it is not time that is the problem, but our priorities. If something is important enough we will certainly make sure that we schedule it in. But I guess most people are just so busy trying to catch up with their own lives that they are in a perpetual state of exhaustion. Living on the outskirts of this insanity, I am becoming more and more aware of the disconnection we have with one another and the planet we are inhabiting. I am saddened by this, but I also realise that I simply have no power to change it. I need to find a way in which I can inhabit my life in such a way that there is no friction between it and the fast paced one I refuse to be part of.

My introspection has taught me thus far that I need to stop fighting my solitude and learn to embrace it. In the end I only have myself. It is unfair to expect others to fill a void, no matter how much I yearn for deep connections, it can only happen when the yearning is reciprocated.

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1 Comment

  1. Riana van Niekerk Taljaard said,

    January 24, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    That is exactly how I feel most of the time. If you find a way in wich to inhabit life in such a way that there is no friction between it and the fast paced one that everyone of us battles with….please do write about it. It might just help a lot of people making up their own pace and balance.

    Thanks for a great blog.


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